Celebrating Sam and Will’s Birthday without Peter

Today, my sweet twin boys Sam and Will turn 13! A momentous occasion for sure and yet, all I want to do today is cry. All I can really focus on, is how gravely ill Peter is and it is getting to me on a 24 hour basis now. He is getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do next. I feel that I am depressed more often than not. This latest news of his adrenals failing is probably more than we can handle right now. And, on the heels of that news and doctor visit, Peter and I had a hideous fight that was so awful I think I have blocked it for the last few days and yet, I am still quivering inside. When, we came out of that office, I felt a complete feeling of terror and urgency to clean out his system, to “save” his organs by completely detoxing him off of all the drugs he is on and has been, that have made him become completely toxic and have caused his hormonal systems to shut down so much, that he can no longer do much of anything. I felt complete panic and driving home we had the most awful, yelling, vicious fight ending with Peter jumping out of my car in traffic. I went nuts and turned around as soon as I could, driving back to the gas station on the corner. Suddenly, unbelievably, my cell phone would NOT work. More panic. I ran into the gas station and begged these Jamaican guys to let me use their phone. They were kind and very concerned. I called Nick and begged him to come asap. Sam and Will were waiting for me to pick them up in the library and I called Shep and asked him to go there. Then, I began walking the entire shopping center searching and then screaming for Peter who I could not find. Went into the movie theater and then asked them to use their phone so I could try and call Peter. I was shaking too much to dial, so these nice guys did it for me. No answer. I went in and out of every store yelling for him, crying, shaking, hyperventilating and feeling like I would simply collapse any moment. Where is he? Where is he? When I thought I was nearly at my end, he called and said he was down the road, several blocks away and he could walk no longer. When I got him, I could no longer catch a breath and began to feel that I would vomit. He kept saying he would drive but I could not allow that. Eventually I drove us home, where Nick and Shep awaited us to try and have a conversation to calm things down. But mostly, Shep cried and I cried and spoke of how we could not watch Peter like this much longer. Jesus, please, show us the way.

So, now more days of Peter just lying in bed, with no strength, no energy, no hope, no nothing. I went to church this morning but I couldn’t stop crying. The thought of me begging, begging, screaming for God to help us, reduced me to tears. The hymns, made me gasp. I held Shep’s hand so tight and kept whispering to him, “I don’t think I can do this.”

So, now I must snap to it. I must celebrate thirteen years passing of one of the most glorious days of my life. But instead, I cannot stop weeping. God help us all. Help me stay focused on Sam and Will for these next few hours. Amen.