Can I ask you to refrain from THE question when you see me? I know it is standard and I know it is exciting and victorious for most of you, but for me it is a different scene altogether and though I suspect I am not alone, in the circles in which I travel, it is unheard of.
I am going to ask you to please stop asking me what college my twin seniors are planning to attend. They are not. Yes, I know this is the norm. I lived it through my first three older sons. We made the trips and tours, agonized over choices, applied for scholarships, critiqued the dining halls, and struggled through the SAT’s. It was all one rite of passage after another and this was all I knew so it felt normal and in sequence. But, that is not how it is going this time.
Well, one of my twins, DID submit applications, grueling as that was. And he was actually accepted by a pretty solid state school in North Carolina. He got the team cap and the shirt to go with it in fact and we did tour there twice. All seemed good except for his frustrating disinterest in majors and such. He was taken with their ROTC program, but in the end, that was just not enough. So, the final school acceptance day of May 1, 2017 has come and gone with no response from him. Instead, he has been wooed and cajoled by the slickest of Army recruiters over and over here, there and everywhere. He ate it up and of course, there must have been something inside of him that these soldiers spoke to because their enticements, waving of money, glory, and fame met with a hook already looking for that big fish. They found a match made in heaven in a smart, smiling, responsible kid who had already been enamored with Civil Air Patrol and its uniforms, flight schools, and MRE meals since sixth grade. Click! He was in and he leaves for basic training in less than three months determined to be an MP!
Make no mistake. I have tried everything humanly possible to turn that train around. I have begged, pleaded, written, shared, enticed, and never have I made one single chink in this armor, nor have his brothers or father. The irony of my son answering to THIS current Commander in Chief of the United States is absolutely more than I can fathom. As I write about this, my stomach still turns, the dread looms and my heart races. I am not quite sure how I will survive the day he leaves for an army that I disdain. If he does decide to go to the NC college after all, someday following the military, he will in fact, have to reapply. It doesn’t seem like a likely thread to me.
And then, there is his twin, also enamored with anything military for a long time. He too began donning cammo garb in sixth grade and was the head honcho of all neighborhood Airsoft wars with our trash cans, gutters, cars, etc, having dings to prove the warfare. To his credit he also became extremely successful in all related things including Search and Rescue, Emergency Medical Tech, severe weather rescues, CPR in several cases recently where he saved lives, and more. Of his own volition, he has attended EMT classes every day after school for this entire year. We have seen little of this son over this last year, because he found his passion in firefighting. He practically lives at the firehouse every chance he gets (or at least that is where he has us believing he is).
There have been real communication gaps with this son of ours and it has more often than not, left me in tears. He has never preferred to spend time with us, and much to our chagrin he rarely shows up for paid work and thus, never has any money. To my complete Yankee horror, he took up “dipping” apparently “years ago” and has a wad inside his lip often! I find this completely repulsive and of course a hideous health threat and yet, there are those dozens of empty tins in his room. How does he purchase these without money?
Suffice to say, this son of ours has literally hated every single moment of every single day in school for 14 years. Well, okay perhaps not in those early years at Montessori when he “chose his work” and climbed structures and zip lines. No telling him how smart he was, helping him, tutoring him, medicating him, changing schools/teachers/routines – NONE of it made one bit of difference. So the fact that in 16 days it will be over seems to mean nothing more to him than it being OVER. He has not been issued a cap and gown because he owes the school money and he does not care. “Walking” at graduation means nothing and he says he just wants the piece of paper that says “it’s over.”
As parents we often say we learn from our children and this could not be truer for me than during this last go round of raising sons. I will not delude you or myself by saying I am better for it or I have learned some good stuff, because most of my heart has broken so many times in the thousands of emails back and forth to teachers, that I don’t think it is repairable. And I often told myself that this was not MY journey to take, but theirs.
In the end, I happen to know that these two fine young men will rise above and make a difference in whatever they do. They have the skills and the wisdom to save lives and to rescue when rescue is needed without the emotion and passion that I lean on and would be an obstacle, if you were to depend on me to save your life. They have chosen a very different path than most and I am still struggling with it to be honest. I can’t stop comparing and your Facebook announcements of the acceptances to fine colleges sting deeply. I do not blame you or want you to stop or even edit your successes, it’s just a new world for me to see those who started preschool with my sons go in the traditional and likely successful paths I’d hoped for too.
Who’s to say what is good, better, or best? I hope that I have raised kind hearts and that they will stay connected to their family, but I cannot even predict that. I have done my best under less than optimal circumstances. And at that candlelight pre-graduations service the other night, I shed tears throughout as I was so deeply moved. My sons scoffed some and slept some, which dug deep into my core. I have loved them both with all my heart and soul and always will and in the end, maybe I really did need to learn that not all paths use the same GPS. Some drivers prefer to use no map at all and to find their own way.
So thank you for not asking what college my kids will be attending. Instead perhaps, ask them, “what comes next for you? Where are you headed next? What is your hope or your dream?” Thank you.