THE HEAD FORGETS, THE BODY REMEMBERS
The nausea, the uneasiness,
The itchy, scratchy, nervous
Tense, unsettled, shifty, twitchy,
Wondering – “WHAT is it?
WHAT is eating at me?
WHY do I feel like
I cannot settle anywhere?
WHO is it that I want to be with?
HOW can I get through the day?
What? What? What? I ask
Over and over
And come up with nothing.
And then,
I catch a fleeting glance
Of the calendar page
Turned to May
And it becomes clear.
Even when the mind forgets
The body remembers.
Oh, does it ever remember.
So it is the day I flew
Into New York with
My two year old
Ready for a week-long
Vacation visiting friends
And family.
It was 19 years ago
When those simple
Ordinary, lovely plans
Turned into sirens
And screams and trauma,
Helicopters
And defribulators
Tubes and pumps
Bleeps and numbers
The likes of which
None of us had
Ever dared to imagine.
We prayed
And asked
Friends and
The universe to pray.
I begged
Prostrating myself
On the ground
And then over
His lifeless body,
On the gurney,
Smothering myself
Into his silky chest
Burrowing into
His essence,
Promising to love
And to cherish
My baby
In whatever
Shape he
Was returned to me.
The Gifts of God
For the people of God,
I thought.
Tomorrow is coming,
Quickly tonight.
And then it is the day
That we went to visit
The friends with the swimming pool
And though, they were
Never really friends
They became forever
Etched upon our minds
When they left that gate
Open to the lethal sink-hole
That stole my baby’s life
Forever
And stole our hearts
And our souls
For even longer.
I relive the moments
That lead up to
The crescendo
Every single year.
It is not possible
To not.
The anxiety is
Palpable
The PTSD symptoms
Are classic.
It is only
When the plugs
Are pulled
And the sun comes up
And I kiss his cold
Sweet, delicious
Blessed, divine,
Innocent, milk filled body,
Taking not one single breath,
That it is done.