Torn

So, it is hard to decide who I want to wish to be. It is not as if I believe I will really be one or the other, but feel that I need to aspire to one or another. In other words, do I crave wealth, but worry then about my footprint. But, oh, oh, oh, after a lifetime of always trying to making ends meet, this does sound appealing. I am deeply ashamed to complain of all the things on my mental wish list, when I know that the only things that really matter at all, are the health and well being of my family and myself, so I often submerge those thought into the Unthinkable File. But, here are some — my kitchen needs to be totally renovated, my clothes closet doesn’t work, the coat closet needs to be retrofitted as well, I want to be able to go to NY a few times a year and splurge, the bugs in this house bug me all the time, the outside needs landscaping, my hair needs to be done in a way that might require me tending to it every six weeks, I would really rather live in a cool, small downtown house than in this hulking North Raleigh sub-division abode, sometimes when I see diamonds on someone they seem somewhat appealing to me– like maybe their partner REALLY loves them (?!), opening a real shop/office for lactation–cool nursing bras– consultations that are not in my home, etc. But then, I pause and realize I am really so grateful, so happy, so very blessed with abundance with just what I have and move on through the rest of the day, with gratitude. All is well.